what will we be remembered by?

ok.. so its being a few days since my grandfather's passing.. on tuesday after lessons which ended at freaking 530pm.. i took a cab n went all the way down to Sin Ming Drive to attend my grandfather funeral..


i must say the feeling was strange.. there was a mixture of sadness, lost... then some regret.. n then a whole lot of worrying...


the truth is i m not that close to my grandfather (mother's side).. but i know he always dotes on us.. n that my mummy loves him dearly. which is why when the news first came.. and the news came on monday straight after my canoeing training as i was walking back to hall to prepare for the jcrc campaign thingy.. i did not feel sadness at first.. the initial thought was how was my mummy holding up...


i was worried.. and was prepared to go to NUH to b with her. Mummy called and kinda told me not to... and of course she was describing to me abt how my grandpa waited for her to come b4 passing... strange if u tink of it.. ppl waiting to see someone b4 they go.. hmmm


anyway.. so i somehow still managed to live thru a jcrc campaigning n dinner.. n then a whole day of schooling b4 rushing down to the place.... i can only say thank goodness there was no competitors or well i really dun know how i might fare...

but anywayz.. the whole affair was sad and well awkward.. with waves of different types of emotions flying everywhere.. coz my uncle was still angry with my mummy for somehting which even i also dun understand... but yet grief for my granddad brought them tgt.. but wadever.. it was awkward..

so yar.. we kinda had to see the coffin... and sigh... alot of things came to mind when i saw my granddad lying in that coffin... i know his last days were those of suffering.. but yar.. i tink u got to go thru it in order to know how it feels like..

n the feeling truly sucks...

and like i say i was worried abt my mummy's mental health... knowing her always being the 'strong' one.. but yar.. i know she has been crying.. yet it is also hard to go up to her n comfort her.. coz like yar.. sigh...

so things went on.. with all the ceremonies n ritual n prayers... n then cremation on wednesday..
oh which i rushed down from Mandai to NIE to attend lessons.. now i know some wld day i shld have stayed on n b wit my mummy... but i dun know lah.. this wk is like so crucial wit assignments n briefing n wad not...

i had to weigh my priorities... n come to a compromise.. i know some ppl wun agree with me... i know some wld say .. no matter wad reason. nothing is more impt than a close relative's funeral.. but ... i did 'send' him off.. anyway.. that kinda sucks too.. having to consistently tell myself wad i m doing is right.. seriously lah... what the shit!

so yar after the cremation was a long day of wednesday... kinda managed to survive thru the day.. but those thoughts kept on returning to haunt me. trust me when i say the feeling was very awful.. wad makes it even worst i felt was it was hard to tell anyone... hard to explain this part.. but yar...

thought it wld b best to just have some 'me' time.. but well thats kinda impossible lah.. with JCRC rally n election n assignments to hand in.. so i kinda just allowed my busy life to distract me.. i know i know thats not the way.. but oh wellz.. it dulls the pain somewhat..

so yar rally n election came n go.. i din tink i did well in my speech.. hardly had the mental strength to really give a jaw-dropping one.. hah. yar.. sigh.. election was good.. we were elected nonetheless, i had about a 20plus % of voters voting against me.. but oh well .. i guess because of everything that was happening.. the happiness of winning jcrc din really like sink in.. it was like 'k one thing down.. next one to come' feeling..

i know i shld not be feeling that way.. but ...

anyway... so after being elected.. i feel we r hitting the floor running.. haha.. yup so the endless work carries on.. argh.. i really need sometime to just sit down n collect the pieces of me that have fallen apart throughout this whole 'passing away' issue.. blahz..

oh well.. everyone faces the same issues at some pt of their lives.. so i tink theres no pt whining abt it.. just got to move on.. no matter quite hard..

got to keep smiling.. keep working..
and keep that mask on somehow..

********************************

not to mention theres something still bugging me.. argh!

once again...

u know.. i always think life is a very funny thing..

when shit happens.. they kinda happen all at the same time..

its rather interesting...

anyway.. sigh...

i really feel i might break down anytime... just not the kind to pour my troubles onto others..
then theres the senseless need to maintain a cheery front..
it gets so tiring at times..

i suddenly miss my sji bros.....

well.. i shall rally myself tgt.. but just give me sometime yar..
i will b fine.. i promise..

like i say.. i always do find a way..

i got this feelin in me

this week has been well interesting... it has managed to irritate me and excite me at the same time..

got alot of things to say.. but well dun really wanna say it out..
abit of why bother saying it feeling...

i guess i shall just use the same way of dealing with everything.. and tats to work it out by myself n somehow i will find a way.. haha i always do.. i tink.. =)

anyway.. in way of assignment.. those shitty NIE assignments are finally moving on.. haha.. i m left with just one more written assignment.. funny thats the one which i seriously dun know wad to do with.. lolz.. the rest are done n in the can, just need some refining will do..

for the whole wk.. because of various reasons has been not sleeping alot.. lolz average sleeping time was 4am plus.. thnk goodnes i start lesson late. so usually can get abt max 5 hours sleep. which is not too bad.. haha.. still able to function properly and not yet burning out.. but tired nonetheless..

thnk goodness i dun need to do my projectwork proposal liao.. one burden settled n done with. was glad that most of my grp mates found the proposal to their liking, brought a smile to my face.. haha.. i m quite pleased with my written assignments.. haha.. though i seriously dun wanna compare my work with others, coz i seriously dun wan to stress myself for nothing.. haha..

i do think i need to refine them just abit..

oh yar lastly... theres JCRC.. the hall ver. of a student council.. everything in that front goes well.. so i m not actually worried abt that.. rather i worried abt well the choice i m abt to make.. i have finally really come to the crossroad..

the JCRC way is now open no longer blurred.. and well DB way is well always opened... so.. i kinda decided by various reasons that i will give up DB in favour of Hall JCRC.. oh the side note.. somewhere in my heart.. i do wanna stay on in DB, i mean i been training for close to a mth, met ppl and made some frens.. n i liked the feeling of been pushed to the limit.. but...sometimes ppl are 'pushed' to make certain choices.. so hence i m now clearly working towards JCRC..

on a sidenote.. i still have interest in watersports, eg kayaking n db.. so in light of keeping fit n all... i m considering of joining NTU's canoeing.. where the training i heard is not too fierce like DB.. and also i feel more natural there being trained in canoeing.. lolz.. since i know nuts of DB strokes...

hopefully this will work out somehow..

other things bugs me... n well irritated me.. this wk i felt something that i have not felt for such a long time liao.. haha i almost mistaken it for something else.. but ...

i dun know.. theres so many things to tink abt.. to interpret..

"i will find a way.. or make one myself"